This semester has robbed me of everything that made me fun. I have no enthusiasm for anything, I'm an angry walking shell of incoherent bullshit. I want to drink so much after I graduate that I puke in the gutter. I've never felt so isolated and alone as I feel now. This house is eating me alive, I'm the only female around and there sucking what little maternal instinct I have directly out of my body. I'm about to move out of this fucking place. It's driving me crazy. I'm paranoid, I'm anti-social. I'm incomprehensible and extremely uncomfortable.

The ambivalence didn't last for as long as I was hoping. Pre-requites were met with idled waiting lists. The future doesn't look so good from where I am standing. The more time, the merry for you to continue fucking her. Premonitions, acquisitions, it doesn't matter the longer I last. This human life is passing and I've given my attempt at gassing through the intersections. Catch me now while you still can. Before I've given up life and all those around me. My name will be worth nothing. Contemplation through sedation, I wish I wasn't such a fucking coward. She hates herself and it makes me hate her. The question raises as to why I even bother. The forgotten sister and sinister mister elope on a one night stand. He takes her corgi ally but leaves her stranded, a man who planned it but couldn't stand it. Predicament, fulfillment and yet left despondent. I use these words to confuse you, because my head is like Pandora, everything comes out but hope. Go fuck yourself.

When I really stop to think about it, I've been living out of a bag for as long as I can remember. Always something planned in the distance or something left unpacked in the past. I get restless when I have more than a days worth of free time, I think too much about myself and start kicking at the wounds inside me more. I need the world to fly by me with in my peripheral vision, I need to not be contested on how much I know but rather be known for knowing a lot. All I ask for is recognition. I don't ask much from anyone, I keep to myself as much as I can and feel threatened when my day is compromised. A human animal at instinct I start to growl when I am trapped.

I express things that I don't understand where they come from, I wish that I could change the past that I was not present for. I want to control things that are as eminent as a storm, I want to be god, but a peasant all the same. Work from the bottom with my fingers and toes covered in muck, I even want to tell people when to fuck. I want everything from the bottom and I want everything from the top. I want the sides to close in on me and force me up.

I want to struggle and feel as if I cant escape, I want to break free from this fucking place. I want to leave my head attached to a mule while I wander through the fields free of thought and conflict. I want you to ask me how my day went. Cant you see that I cant give you what you want? The sooner you realize the sooner we wont be living a lie.

None of my words make sense, just babble and scrabble with a delete and edit in between.

I think what I want and I write down the rest.

...That felt good...

So, it might just be me, but I am so sick and fucking tired of science news magazines reporting on the complexities and intelligence of animals. No fucking shit, really? Animals have instincts and personalities and communicate? This information, is not news, and it is also not new.

Dogs bark, and when they bark they are saying something to other dogs. It is not just a noise, it is a warning, call, attraction...the list goes on. I am perplexed when "animal researchers" are presenting this information like it is new information.

This just in, Apes can sense death and dying. Really? Because death and dying is a sensory thing, when you are in the presence of death, you can feel it, just like when you are in the presence of someone who is sick with a cold, happy, or sad, or any other fucking emotional state or health state. It is an outrage to me that they are just realizing that it might be healthier for apes to die in the company of their family and friends. Is that not what so many humans have done over the years? Is that not how apes would have done it in the wild? Animals are living organism's and can sense emotional changes just like humans can.

To be telling the world of these "earth shattering" experiments where you compare and contrast animals in positive environments versus animals in negative ones, no shit, the positively environment-ed animals will be much more responsive, a concept also found in children from health homes or unhealthy homes. Animals are also a product of their environment. I do not understand why this is concept is shocking.

-End of rant.


P.s. This just in: Saying the word faggot or any syllogism of that word, does not mean that you are not gay. Just for the record...vast majority of retarded males.

Cynical realist with a dash of morbidity. (is morbidity a word?)

If I ever have a child, specifically a boy, I am going to name him Gangwolf and he will be the worst composer in history. I already love you Gangwolf.

Until the day that I die, I will understand no man.

What the hell? Two months of silence then one apology and less than 12 hours later I get a best friend back? I'm confused, it was awesome, but I'm still so fucking confused. I was honest with him, will continue to be honest and will try to be there for him: so long as he shows me change. I want to see that you're fucking changing, hard evidence that you're changing. He's got such a good heart, but it's buried in there and has been trapped in a cycle. Well, all I can say is, I'll be here, but give me proof and give me your respect to not lie to me. That's that. The moment I find out you're not honest with me is the moment I kick you out for good. You're line is thin boy, thank the lord your balance is good.

Quitting smoking has proved to me that I am an extremely angry person. A lot of the thoughts that go through my head are violent and unexplainable. I suppose, as long as I can keep them inside then there really isn't a problem. I can just sort of feel them leaking out and unfortunately I have people I've labeled as targets to release this anger. I feel bad for both Trent and my Dad. Trent has told me straight up that I hurt his feelings whenever I'm mean to him, and he really doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, and has always been there for me. I think that it's more like I feel the most comfortable with him and my Dad so I'm able to be mean to them, which is fucked up and I've been told before that it's not okay to be mean to the people your closest too. Which makes total sense, if I'm close to them I should be the nicest to them. But fuck, it's weird figuring out my mannerisms and personality without an outlet like smokeing. It's been over 3 days now so the nicotine should be out of my system. I haven't chewed nicorette in like four days now. I just hope that this time it sticks and I that I continue to be a non-smoker. My lungs will thank me. I also hope that I don't pack on 34379 pounds, because I know that is a complete possibility. I hope everyone will still hangout with me if I'm super mean and weigh that much. My favorite response was my friend Chris' when I asked if he'd still hang out with me when I had to pay for three seats on an airplane. He said "We'd just take a lot of road trips" That both made me laugh and feel special.

Speaking of special, I don't know what it is but the weirdest guys have been coming around. I'm not sure what the fuck they want, but there stressin' me out and I don't like it. They should all just fade away. If things all go according to plan, I will be graduating in December. That'll be a trip and a half. This week I've been working on my resume, pimpin' it out to hopefully get a bakery job. I don't mind starting at the bottom in the bakery, I just want the ability to move up to actually baking. Anywho's it. I've decided that I'm going to Santa Cruz for spring break and I'm moving in with Nate and Curtis for the week. I'm excited for that, Curtis promised we would have an Easter egg hunt and Nate promised we would go mini golfing and bowling. Fucking rad. I couldn't be more stoked. I'm trying to decide what I want to do now that I'll be out of college. Do I want to stay in Sacramento? Do I want to go back to Santa Cruz? Is grad school something I might want to do? The only answer to those questions I know is, if I do go to Grad School, it won't be for a bit. I'm done with the institution of "higher learning" as of right now. I'm sure I'll look back just like any commitment I've ever had in life and realize it was a lot better than I thought at the time. But as of right now, I am ready to start exploring my options in this world. I was also thinking of moving to Oakland, be closer to everyone in SC, my brother and Freya, Heather and most importantly The Oakland A's ahahahahah! We'll we shall see, we shall see. As of now, I'm using LJ as a procrastination tool.

Sara: I want you to know that you and Kevin are in my heart and prays everyday. I think that you are incredible, strong, intelligent and just all around a wonderful person. I'm glad that I've met you and that Kevin has all the love your sending him.

I'm happy and I've been doing good.So that's about it.




But I found this recently as I was going through my Lj, apparently I marked it as private but on a second read over I'm pretty proud of it actually:

There's a lot of things that you wont be able to see if you don't open your eyes. There's a lot of me that you wont learn about if you don't try. You act like you've got me pegged, but I'm the unpeggable unstoppable woman and my arms are made of steel. It takes a diamond tipped drill to figure out how I really feel. Stab into me with repetition and depth, watch what comes out cause it'll make a fucking mess. I'm confused all the time and yet so calmly clear stated. The deeper down the darker it gets, I can show you somethings you would prefer to forget. Don't look at me with that hazy stare and go along with what I say, I don't believe you anyway. If I were carrying your bastard, and you were the producer of my sin then there would be no way to wash my hands clean again. I see you as a martyr, whose taken one for the team. Within me is pathetic-ness and beauty that is unsurpassed.